?

Log in

entries friends calendar profile Previous Previous Next Next
Cupcake
... I was going to say, "Wonderful Time of The Year!", but come on. Already I have been exposed to a plethora of deadly illnesses, my mother has been in the hospital twice, and I'm wondering if I should plan on puking my guts out sometime in the near future, seeing as the girl I take care of went home quite sick today.

Wonderful. Puh.

On a brighter, less germ-ridden note, Secret Santa has BEGUN!!! It's just small gifts right now... about five dollars a piece. I was extremely pleased with my first gift-- a cute reindeer bag filled with adorable Christmas tissue paper, a honkin' thing of delicious trail mix, and a bestselling novel; which altogether must have been more than five bucks. I was less pleased when I compared my awesome gift to the gift I gave my poor supervisor... a stick of Laffy Taffy.

That's 100% true, by the way.

A stick of Laffy Taffy.

And tomorrow she gets a Tootsie Roll.

I'm starting to imagine how the final "Revealing" party is going to go down: Everyone will be sitting around, fondly recalling all the wonderful gifts they received... except for my supervisor. She will be listening to their stories of lovely, thoughtful presents and trying to pinpoint the loser who gave her a stupid piece of candy every day for five days.

"Why would they do that?" She'll think, "Don't they like me at all??"

"Or maybe they're poor." She'll fret, "But then why would they take part in a Secret Santa in the first place? Maybe they're stupid, too. Or greedy. Poor, stupid, and greedy, and they don't like me."

"I'm gonna' fire 'em. Whoever they are." She'll seethe, "Whoever is that much of a loser doesn't deserve to work here!"

And then I'll go, "It was me!!"

Have a ho-ho-horrid day.

Tags:
Current Location: Kissing my job goodbye
Current Mood: guilty guilty
Current Music: That jobless song

Leave a comment
ARRR!

Yes, me mateys, ye hast heard me right! I am, in fact, on the waiting list for the Nursing Program at *insert name of local college here*! I will probably not be starting classes until this summer, as the thought of spending my entire life at school makes me contemplate the beauty of guns.

I have come to realize that, as much as I like my Ed Tech job, it is taking me nowhere in life. It is much like driving a nice car down a long highway that never ends, and when you look out your side window, there are a bunch of hideous, CGI deer waiting to surround and kill you.

I have no health benefits, no paid vacations, and that fool monkey that keeps chasing me around the classroom.

We would prohibit the monkey from living on school grounds, but as it is the janitor's monkey, we would rather put up with it in the knowledge that our toilet seats will be cleaned at night.

Anyway, I have been informed by many a person that nursing is, in fact, the way to go. I see this opportunity as a way to shake off both deer and monkey, which will be a tremendous relief to me.

So... back to college soon.

I hope they've gotten rid of that stupid pterodactyl by the time I get there.

Tags:
Current Location: Fleeing the deer from The Ring 2
Current Mood: discontent discontent
Current Music: That stupid, Ring 2 music

Leave a comment
As soon as Halloween day dawned, midgies, I was sharply reminded that Christmas was just around the bend. "The bend" being about a block away and populated mostly by old drunks. But do you know WHY I was reminded, fools?

Because it was SNOWING!!!!

That's right, losers! Big, white, fluffy flakes of cosmic dandruff were raining down from the sky in the most Christmas-y display I've seen since Jim Carey starred in that one Christmas movie about an old guy.

It was then that I remembered something... something horrible: I did not have my Christmas shopping done! Of course, one can be forgiven for not having their Christmas shopping done on October 31st, but I am the kind of squealy misfit who waits until the week or so before the big day to brave the crowds and find gifts. I don't even LIKE the crowds. In fact, many a night I have dreamed of stacking them one atop the other (much like holiday Yule logs) and setting them afire (much like holiday Yule logs).

Also weighing heavily on my hippo-campus was the knowledge that I had embarked on the truly noble quest of joining a "Secret Santa" this year. It started out as just wanting an extra gift, but then I saw who I picked and realized that I was going to have to actually put some thought into this.

I picked my SUPERVISOR, who not only makes more money than me and has utterly opposite tastes than I do, but who is also probably the nicest supervisor in history. I couldn't just make a gift by slapping a piece of glitter onto a paper bag and calling it good (which was what I was planning to do); I would have to THINK. And spend MONEY. Both of which tasks are loathsome to me.

However, yesterday I was saved! Saved like a giraffe who has sunk into a tar pit only to realize that there is another, dead giraffe below him that he can stand on. As I walked into the teacher's room in the morning, I saw a beautiful, designer card box by someone named Connie Haley. My supervisor also saw it and commented on how much she liked it. Voila! Gift.

Now all I have to fret about are my parents' presents, and that shouldn't be too hard, as they've already told me what they want. Mother requested a Walmart card and Dad said he just wanted a bottle of Extra Virgin Olive Oil-- so that's what they're getting!

Stevie, however, will be more difficult to buy for, as he is still depressed and very secretive. I am thinking of getting him a new brain probe, but that might not be the wisest idea.

Have a merry Thanksgiving, turkeys, and do your shopping!

Tags:
Current Location: Stacking those hideous shoppers to set them ablaze
Current Mood: relieved relieved
Current Music: The striking of a match

Leave a comment
Do you know what I had today, mish-moos? Well, DO you? I doubted it.

I HAD THE HOTTEST HOT SAUCE IN THE WORLD!!!!

Well, probably not the world; but the nation, maybe.

It was called "357", or something like that. I can only assume that it's the same temperature you'd need to cook your tongue at to get it as hot as this sauce makes it. Here's the ad:

"357 MAD DOG Hot Sauce TM-- This killer sauce is packing 357,000 scoville units of heat. One hit will blow you away! We blend Chile extract, fresh Habanero peppers, 160,000 scoville super Cayenne peppers, garlic and onion to make a sauce that can truly take your breath away. Mad Dog 357 is the hottest hot sauce ever made......any hotter and it can't be called a sauce! 5 oz."

So it IS the hottest hot sauce in the world-- at least, according to the manufacturer, and they'd have no plausible reason to stretch the truth!

I love spicy food more than the average muskrat, and even more than the average human, so I was shocked by the horrid feeling I got after sampling ONE TINY BIT of this devilish concoction.

Imagine you are carrying a bottle of pepper spray with you for protection-- you know, because you're dumb enough to walk around at night. And then imagine that some crazy ham-burgler comes streaking out at you from the shadows. With a shriek, you raise the bottle of pepper spray to defend yourself....

But instead of squirting it into his eyes, you pop the cap off and CHUG THE THANG DOWN CLEAR!

Can you feel the searing heat that not only blazes through your mouth, but your skin, your stomach, and your large intestine? Can you picture the ghostly pallor of your face as all your blood evaporates from the sheer intensity of the fire within you? You want to faint, puke, and spontaneously combust all at the same time, but that old bugger fate keeps your heart tickin' all the way through!!

...Well, that's how it is.

And if you're wondering what happened to the ham-burgler, he pitied you enough to take you to the hospital after he stole all your credit cards.

Lemme' tell you though, boys and lone girl-- in all seriousness-- it was HOT.

And now, the ironic thing?

I'm coming down with a cold.

Chaos out.

Tags:
Current Location: Looking for a quiet place to spontaneously combust
Current Mood: hot hot
Current Music: An irritatingly noisy world

Leave a comment
That's right, fudge-muffins! As of today I am officially 21 years old. That means I am now legally able to drink large quantities of booze whenever I want, which will be never-- so it's actually kind of a useless birthday, all things considered. Oh, well.

I was taken out to eat at Pizza Hut by my lovely parents the other day, in preparation for this event. As my mother skulked around the salad bar, spitting and hissing at any who drew near; and my father shot dirty looks at a little boy whose cell phone kept blaring a rather catchy tune every fifteen seconds, I reveled in how blessed I was, to have a family like this.

I also got THREE--count 'em-- THREE cakes! One from my neighbors, which was a delightful mini chocolate cake with a cherry on top; one from my father, which he mutilated after he put it upside-down in the fridge; and a half-arsed ice-cream cake from my mother, which she ate before I even got to try any. Thanks anyway, Mom.

So, all in all, my birthday is useless, but satisfactory. Unfortunately, I celebrated it too early, and now have nothing to look foreward to today.

... You're stupid.

Peace out, peeps!

Tags: ,
Current Location: Hiding from my mother as she defends the salad bar
Current Mood: complacent complacent
Current Music: The screams of hungry, stabbed restaurant patrons

Leave a comment
-- Because you're stupid.

Actually- well... no. You are stupid. But you are also uninformed. Thus, I must inform you. I assure you that all the information I am about to send flying into your eye sockets is absolutely, 105.2% true.

Here we go...

My supervisor is Miss *Insert Name of State Here* International 2010!!!

My father, upon finding this out, became so insanely jealous of my position that he tied me up in his closet and attempted to take my place for a day. However, not even the wig fooled my gorgeous, keen-eyed supervisor, who knew a fraud when she saw one. He was promptly escorted out of the building, but I wasn't freed from the closet for several days.

If she becomes Miss International anytime soon, I'll update you. Unless my father ties me up again.

Fare thee hideously.

Tags:
Current Location: Strung up in my father's closet, craving sunlight
Current Mood: envious envious
Current Music: My father's envious howling

Leave a comment
With the utmost bubba-ing.

So, folks, I was just browsing my inter-nets yesterday, throwing all the little interfish back into the intersea, when I saw it. It caught me completely by surprise....

INTERPIRATES!!!

Actually, no. Although they did come later and steal my interdoubloons.

THE FINAL CHAPTER OF "FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In case you didn't know (which I know you didn't), FMA (& FMAB) has been my favorite anime/manga series for five-going-on-six years now. Edward Elric is also my favorite character created by anyone EVER. So there.

But, holy crap what an ending!!! It was seriously awesome-- not kiddingly awesome at all! I was genuinely happy for Ed, Winry, and all the others, and I really thought the whole wrap-up made sense.

AND DID ANYONE SEE ED AND WINRY'S LITTLE ALCHE-MECHANICS?! Boy and a girl, I'd wager. AW, YEAH!

I really like the Ed/Win pairing in the manga and FMAB. Winry in the first series was my only gripe with that anime. The writers made her just a tad too annoying for my tastes. FMAB got it right, yo'.

So, there you have it. A crucial part of my life has wrapped up quite perfectly. I am extremely satisfied, but a little wistful. True, I have episodes of FMAB to carry me over, but now that I know the ending, it's not the same.

"Fruits Basket" is over, "Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicles" is over, and now "Fullmetal Alchemist" is over. Now what?

I guess "Naruto" has a way to go....

HURRY UP AND BECOME HOKAGE ALREADY, YOU LITTLE WEIRDO!!!!

Tags:
Current Location: Sailing the intersea on my intership
Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: The yo-ho-ing of legions of interpirates, after my interchest of intertreasure

Leave a comment
Yes, meesh-mooshes, it has been exactly two months and four days since I last updated on this site. I am sure that, in that time, many of you became so depressed by my absence that you attempted creative suicide-- but seeing as you didn't tape yourselves doing it, I have no way of enjoying your misery. You are very inconsiderate.

However, I have decided to break my vow of silence to give you poor, moronic hunks of meat some updates about my life:

1. I am currently sick with some sort of mutant virus that is quite possibly the result of germ warfare or from eating my mother's casserole.

2. Stevie has decided to give up world domination in favor of world travel. What confuses me are the many brain probes he felt he needed to pack for his trip....

3. My car was recently out of commission for roughly three weeks. THREE WEEKS, ladies and gentlemidgets! Can you imagine my horror, my frustration-- I bet you can't! Let me just tell you one thing-- you may think it could be fun to ride in a cab. You may think, "Hey, a taxi's just like a small, filthy limo! Cool, man!", but you are STUPID. Cabs are nothing more than metal wrapped around germs. And one of the germs likes to smoke. A lot.

Well, there you have it. I must go slipping off to bed, careful not to tread on the monster that has taken refuge in my bedroom. The sharp spikes that protrude from his appendages nearly took out my heel last night.

Fair thee badly.

Tags:
Current Location: Perched atop my bed as the monster slithers about my floor
Current Mood: sick sick
Current Music: The spiky slithering of monster

Leave a comment
Spring Madness, an uncommon and unfortunate disease which causes a person to experience light-headedness, skin lesions, shortness of breath, and the bestial desire to produce vast legions of babies every time Spring rolls around. The only known cure is to force-feed the diseased a large quantity of frozen yogurt. It's not so much that the yogurt actually kills the germs, in that it just makes the person too nauseated to mate.

But, yes, today is the first day of Spring, factoids. Stevie is getting into the spirit by breeding delightful mutant bunnies that sing, hop, and deliver Easter eggs that transform into... you guessed it, brain-probes. The elf has no imagination.

My mother has been putting off her Spring cleaning thus far, but warns me that when the time comes, I had better participate or face the consequences. As "the consequences" usually involve blunt and sharp objects coming at my body in turns, I plan on helping her as much as possible.

I myself am celebrating this day by coming down with a traditional Spring cold. Certainly you cannot imagine how happy this makes me, that I have followed in the age-old hallowed tradition of our family by contracting an illness at this wondrous time.

Have a springy day, numb-skulls.

Tags:
Current Location: Collapsed on the floor, trodden on by mutant bunnies
Current Mood: blah blah
Current Music: The silence of the bunnies

Leave a comment
You thought I was going to say "Go Away", didn't you? That's because you lack imagination. Imagination, and my incredible brain.

I have decided to make things easier on you, mince-meats. No longer will I be getting my hair highlighted. Instead, my mother seems to be interested in getting her hair done. And anything that makes my mother happy, makes me happy...mostly because I notice a phenomenal decrease in the pain I experience daily.

Stevie has been wracking his brain for another world-conquest scheme, but nothing much so far. There was that giant soul-sucking robot a little while ago, though...but I put the kibosh to that pretty quickly. Never should have let him watch "9".

I've also tried to reform him by getting him interested in building other things besides death machines. Took him to a "Build-a-Bear" workshop last month, but we only ended up with an adorable stuffed puppy that had an unusual taste for human flesh. I apologize to the little children who went home orphans that day, but look on the bright side-- no more curfews now!

Well, I must be going. Have a fleshly day.

Tags:
Current Location: Fleeing the teeth of a sparkly black poodle
Current Mood: disappointed disappointed
Current Music: The barking of the beast

Leave a comment